Caterpillar-Duck Race, Hello!
by Sanoiro
Summary: Lucifer is being childish, Chloe is finally unwinding and granting her inner child some freedom. It's the heat, it's the children, it's a Caterpillar-Duck Race, Hello! Takes place between 2x11 and 2x12. *Now Edited*


Guess who decided to celebrate the submission of a research proposal? I ditched AGN for the evening and wrote another one-shot. The joys of a stressful existence I suppose.

This is again a silly one-shot. Something I wrote during my short breaks. Not perfect but it made me laugh. A lot. By the way, I love most of the dialogue in this one. It kept me going yesterday. Especially the part where Lucifer says, nothing screams educational :P

Finally, this is a gift fic because Mia_Vaan's story, Safety Wife inspired me to use one of my favourite moments of Miranda (Tv). Miranda is a hilarious British sitcom of 2009-2015 (20 episodes in total) with Miranda Hart and Tom Ellis.

A proper editing was finally done to the best of my ability.

* * *

 **Caterpillar-Duck Race, Hello!**

Three days after the most blissful sunrise of his existence they were already considering preschools together. Devilishly kidding, of course. Chl-...The Detective had laughed at his blanched face when she told him where they were heading and why.

"Trust me Detective even if she gets kidnapped, doubtful in my opinion, they will offer you a _generous_ amount to return her at your earliest convenience!" He pressed trying to escape his unavoidable fate this morning. Being surrounded by dozens of short, ugly creatures called children had not been in his calendar for today.

"Lucifer! I'll not have my child kidnapped again! Not for a simple case as this one! We get in we see if she cheats her husband and we leave!" The Detective admonished resorting him to sulking and avoiding her gaze for a good while.

"You cannot hold that against the child…" He murmured defending the little cricket. As a mother, she certainly was unreasonable sometimes. First a doll and then a perfectly safe kidnapping. Three quartets of the hour tops!

"What exactly?" She asked stirring the wheel with a little more vigour than she should, consequently sending Lucifer straight on the car's door.

Now that had hurt. Even car doors were not safe for him around her.

"The man had seen Hell! She had some very fierce competition..." He reasoned Malcolm's invulnerability to the child's demon-like character.

"I cannot believe _this_. I cannot believe _you_!" She whispered shaking her head. Huffing she expressed her displeasure in the lack of any more steep turns until they reached their destination. He was safe. For now.

"What? I'm always truthful Detective. Believe me, your offspring is really something and that says a lot having seen Maze once or twice as a child."

Now that had been a horrendous sight. How could something so small be so agile and deadly? Maze had certainly been both and he had seen plenty of other less demonic examples. Children in Hell seemed to thrive much to his horror. But Beatrice was something far more dangerous. She was a hugger!

With a satisfying screech, the tires stopped nearly sending Lucifer to meet the windshield. The small colorful building in a breathing distance, contained the most fearsome of all creatures on this planet. It was a Preschool.

"You are an ass." She concluded with some new found clarity before getting out of the car.

"An ass you kissed three days ago at the beach. What does that make you?" He shot back grinning. That made it for her. Their odd foreplay was on and unfortunately, they were stepping into a place where sexual encounters were largely frowned upon.

"Prone to punishment." She told him and headed for the front desk after ushering him to sit on an ugly yellow, faux leather couch.

"More likely, a suppressed kinky woman Detective. Now what is this?" He took a weird wooden _thing_ from the floor, raising it in the air for her to see. It was shaped like playful beads and there was even a string for having access to-

"A wooden Caterpillar. An educational toy? Trixie used to sleep with one of these." She patiently explained a bit too gleeful when she saw him fidget on the realization for what purposes the object he was holding was used for.

"Because nothing _screams_ educational, like having twenty pairs of legs in your bed." He mused and his mood lifted considerably after the shock started to wear off. That was before a not so delicate hand, landed on his stomach forcing all the air out of his lungs to come out with a whoosh.

"Oomph!" He doubled before his eyes caught a glimpse of the bloody receptionist coming their way.

"Mrs Preston will be with you in a few just make yourself _comfortable_." She winked at him mistaken his flustered face with one of avid rising interest.

He nodded noncommittally still trying to get his breathing back to a respectable pattern. He could not care for the pain really. Everything was so new…

"Lucifer… I really want to play with the toys." She whispered after a few minuted of idle staring at the far end, closed door.

The poor receptionist was there behind it waiting with a very devoted to his Detective, Devil sitting on the other side. By the soft singing of Barlow coming from the other side of the door, he was now thankful he didn't have to comply anymore to his always, but no more, traitorous libido.

"Do they have that _kind_ of toys in here! That's oddly progressive and exhilarating where humanity will be in twenty years from now.,," Engrossed to what he could be doing right now, had not led to an intelligent answer.

By the Detective's eyebrows rising and her pointed look on the caterpillar he finally got the message.

"Oh…" Lucifer contemplated an other kind of fun. They had nothing better to do, for now…

"Still we are on duty." She sighed and reached for another disgusting child-rearing magazine.

Like it was going to work with her little terror. Perhaps his experience with demons could come handy with the spawn's upbringing. At least she would stop getting caught. No step-… protégé - _that's better_ \- of his would ever grow up to either getting cute or be defeated. A training timetable would have to be drafted but for now...

"Detective… Catapilar-Duck race, Hello!" He exclaimed picking the two nearest toys she had been eyeing since they had asked to wait for the possible adulteress slash murder.

Setting down the toys he gave her the duck's string and kept the caterpillar for the sake of his old adventures. Though admittedly, his usual number back in the day had been thirty pairs of legs. The dry spell was just decreasing numbers by the dozen lately on a daily base. Now he was fallen down to zero, since that sunrise.

"Faster!" She called after him when she took the lead and he was almost there. Alas…

"I win!" She cheered and jumped in his arms for a quick peck on the lips.

"You got children?" Came a distinct English accent from behind them.

A woman near their age was looking at them with a huge grin plastered on her face. Giving her a short smile himself, Lucifer rubbed in embarrassment the back of his neck. This place had gone uncomfortably hot all of sudden.

"I do." Chloe replied at the same time with Lucifer.

"We do." He replied smoothly for an unknown reason. He didn't lie.

 _What the heck, had just happened?_

"You don't." She corrected him before she realized his train of thought. His blush deepened and he reached to undo one more button of his shirt.

"Says you…" He whispered complete understanding finally setting on both of them.

Amenadiel had confided to Chloe and Linda to Lucifer. He is not lying to anyone but to himself. Biologically he had none but her daughter had become his in a way. How an absurdly, magnificently, absolutely confusing thing to happen.

"Oh, more than one toddler I suppose by the crawling toys!" The woman noted and the sudden exhilaration left Lucifer speechless. Was this fear or anticipation?

"Ehm…" He turned to Chloe for help, panic reflecting wildly in his eyes.

"Tell Mrs Preston now, Boys or girls?" She pressed and Chloe saw Lucifer stepping behind her for cover, but unsuccessfully not out of Mrs Preston's view. That woman was huge! She seemed like a good-natured woman but God she was tall!.

"Well, Trixie is eight…" Lucifer stammered and kept the caterpillar closer his chest, insecure on where this was leading.

"And that is why we talk about the boys, twins!" Chloe laughed with the woman.

"Two?" He faintly asked Chloe and she nodded before grasping his left hand and forcing out of the hold of the wooden toy. His palm was clammy and she could detect a slight tremor underneath her fingers.

"Little…" She prompted gently. All he had to do is not lie.

"Boys?" Lucifer asked in uncertainty nailing the not lying part.

"Have…" Chloe began tapping twice his wrist with her index.

"Two?" He asked again but now considerably more relaxed on following her orders.

"Little…" Her eyes pointed at the toy which was wrinkling his black shirt.

"Toys?" He concluded and Chloe gave him a rewarding hand squeeze.

"How lovely! What are their names?" That woman was a nightmare. Lucifer was starting to see the appeal of having a couple of screaming terrors running around right this moment.

"Cliff!" His Detective said and he rolled his eyes. As if, Decker!

"Well, I was always fond of Richard!" He said stubbornly.

"Daddy is playing favourites huh?" Mrs Preston teased Chloe and she rolled his eyes. That woman had no perception whatsoever. Lovely but adorably clueless.

"In my family, favouratism never lasts darling. It works more like shoot here, kind of sign really." He admitted making two pairs of eyes to widen. One in disbelief and the other in horror.

"He loves children!" She affirmed to the best she could to appease the confused Mrs Preston.

"I do not!" He reprimanded and stomped his foot down.

At least he was now back to his old self. When you wish for children running wild around you, you know that you have experienced all the horror's a preschool has to offer.

"Lucifer I'm going to kick you!" She said in not quite low voice.

"What kind of name is that?" The woman asked frowning.

"Inner joke really, I'mmmMary!"

The investigation be damned how this had happened? He had his glass of rum that morning and then a case came along. Now he had to wait for what? Hope for an immaculate shag or worse a conception?

 _Wait for what?_

"And you are?" Mrs Preston asked him

"No idea anymore…" He admitted, openly waiting for instructions with his hands clasped near his groin. A kick would come at some point.

"Jesu…osef!" She practically hissed before calming herself just enough to get out a believable reply.

"Excuse me?" He said affronted by the very idea of posing a Joseph. Father was getting this a bit too far. Immaculate and duped.

 _What the bloody hell, was going through his head?_

"Mary and Joseph, we have some questions about your preschool." The Detective was back and they were getting somewhere after all. But it was going too slow and the thoughts Lucifer had, were more than disturbing.

"What… There must be a better and _faster_ way Detective! Tell me, Mrs Preston, what do you desire?" His honey dipped accent got deeper and his piercing eyes, glazed the woman's brown ones.

"Doughnuts." She replied honestly. Frowning Lucifer turned to the Detective who shrugged.

"What makes your heart skip?" He asked again showing some teeth for good measure.

"Doughnuts." He felt his jaw slacking and heard the Detective snickering behind him.

"Work with me woman! Who are you in love with?" He tried once more shaking the woman a little by the arms.

"Doughnuts and my husband Gary. Preferably together in bed." A salacious grin appeared on her face making Lucifer dropping his hands instantly and taking cover again behind the Detective.

"Oh Bloody Hell…!" He exclaimed rubbing his eyes in frustration.

"Yes… I think we have to cut this visit short Mrs Preston. Our Trixie got into mischief at school." She smoothly lied and led Lucifer outside the door while Mrs Preston was blinking rapidly the haze away.

"Again? Are you sure she is not mine?" Lucifer demanded the practically impossible earning a good kick to his left ankle.

"Gorblimey! That hurt! No, don't do that again!" He pleaded getting out without no more prompting by her.

"As I was saying we are leaving! Thank you, Mrs Preston" She bid the confused woman goodbye and closed the door behind her.

"Well, that was a bummer." She sighed when they were back in the car.

"I though she was cute." Lucifer clicked his tongue while putting the seat belt on. Car rides were getting more painful with her and less interesting when she was mad at him.

"Not Mrs Preston!" That man was infuriating without even trying.

"Still oddly devoted to her husband and to fried dough confectionery. Both highly admirable, but just how many of you are out there? You had a Dan, she has a Gary! What is wrong with parents this century! What is wrong with women picking them as their consorts?"

His rant could go on for ever but as always, it had Chloe looking at him with the same facial expression she had just before she had kissed him three days ago.

Surely enough she fisted her right hand on his jacket and gave him something more than a simple peck on the lips. She had just rendered him speechless for the second time in human history.

"Oh come on, you got a race out of it. " Chloe tried to placate him and started the car engine.

"A rudely interrupted one." He mumbled still slightly breathless.

Was he ever going to remember to breath when she claimed him body and soul? Perhaps that was Father's plan. To make him die during the peak of the moment. But what a way to go… Hell be damned he was willing to risk it.

"You had fun grumpy face. " She took her tongue out and his eyes narrowed at that moist little muscle getting back to her mouth.

"I would have preferred a rise or at least a rush when having fun with you. "

His voice had deepened and he could only hope that one day he would have that kind of fun with her. Not yet, but one day. Oh, one day.

"Lucifer do you believe that Trixie is different compared to other children?" She suddenly inquired and he shifted uncomfortably on his seat. This was a dangerous territory for him nowadays.

"Part of me wants to flee back to my old realm once she hits puberty. That time will be a horrifying one for humanity." He honestly told her.

This was the most viable and probable possibility for him but lately, he had let himself to hope that perhaps this was real. That it might also lead to something even _more_ real.

"And the other?" He heard the slight agitation in her voice. The same kind of agitation his heartstrings were playing in a wild tempo, when he thought of a future far away from her.

"The other is rather irrational… Impossible really." He smiled sadly looking outside the car's window at the normality of human race.

They could have everything they wanted. One way or the other. 'The other' might then work for him then. For them.

"Always the truth Lucifer." Chloe had left him to gather his thoughts or lose them even more while got lost in improbable the possibilities.

"Even if I don't want to say it?" His voice would have cracked but in a world where he had stopped to not only hope but believe, it was difficult to pick these two up again under a certainty painful and impossible thought.

"That's for you to decide I guess." She was always giving him a way out and he would have taken it, only he realised he didn't want it.

"Sometimes I wonder how the Douche seeded her. Then again perhaps there is a part of you I have not discovered yet. Isn't that a delicious prospect to anticipate for?" He turned to look at her darting eyes while she drove.

The pink pigment on her cheeks gave him the answer. It was an answer that could have him looking at her in contentment for the rest of their drive back to the station.

"That was the big revelation? What that even has to do with Trixie?" Chloe demanded to know.

Her child was part of their equation. A plus or a minus which could halt everything they had with just a simple statement.

"Well, sometimes I see a considerably grown Trixie in my penthouse." He told her honestly.

"You are a pervert!" She chuckled knowing fully well that a fifty-year-old womaniser Lucifer would never look her daughter like that.

There was something more between Lucifer and Trixie which could not be shifted. Call it a mother's intuition but she wanted to hear what she already had seen. They adored each other no matter how awkward Lucifer was around her daughter.

"Only for you Chloe. I just have started to understand that's all." He pressed the word and it was true he was slowly getting there.

The road was dangerous and uncomfortable but there was a tranquillity which promised him more than he had ever believed he was worthy of getting. The possibility to actually being loved and not just romantically.

"Remember buddy, you will not be in your late 30s forever." Chloe bumped his shoulder in a very Ella-like manner making him wince slightly.

"As I was saying I despise children of any kind but yours is rather… amicable and has some very interesting traits." Choosing the words carefully this was as close he could go for today.

"Thank you, I guess." A wide smile had shone her face making her cheekbones appear even more pinkish than before.

"Therefore, I cannot help but wonder as of late…" His mouth was moving spilling his inner thoughts only to be interrupted.

"If you give her one more chocolate cake without my permission you will spend the same night in the detention cell. Are we clear?" She warned him when they reached the station.

"Promises, promises… Just remember if Richard and Cliff ever come our way, unfortunately Father willing, I will have a saying on their chocolate consumption as well." He stated his claim and got out of the car not waiting for her reply.

Closing the door behind him, he saw her frozen on the wheel with her hand ready to open the car's door.

Shaking his head, in courtesy he opened gently the door careful not to caught her fingers. She appeared to not have noticed and huffing he hunched to release her seatbelt.

"Lucifer… If I ever have to deal with three of you, I demand chocolate at the house at all times." Her warm breath greeted his now heated right ear.

Unclasping the belt he let it roll back but not before brushing along all the right places. With an audible gulp, he turned his head and brought them nose to nose.

"And there I hoped we could substitute that with something more hot and sinful for you." Her pupils were dilating, making his eyes soften.

Somehow between Heaven and Hell, they were on the same page for a still unknown future.

"Promises, promises…" Chloe hummed kissing his nose. Putting her palm on his steadily beating heart softly she pushed him outside the car.

Taking a deep breath he looked upwards and back again in the car where Chloe was waiting for him to step aside for her to get out.

Deals, favours… _promises_ he rolled the word, testing it in his head and nodded.

"Promises which I always deliver Chloe." Lucifer declared taking a step backwards before extending his hand to help her out.


End file.
